Rooms and Things How many people have suggested to you in subtle and not so subtle ways that you’d be better off if you’d only go ahead and get rid of your child’s things and redo the room?  You see, they think that the holding on to these things is morbid.  These people, who have never suffered the loss of on of their children, really do not understand that you have to do your grief work, and whether you do this sad task now or later really doesn’t affect the length nor depth of your pain.  Some parents need to make the changes and decisions about personal belongings as soon as possible after the death.  Having the chore ahead of them is more painful than the doing.  These parents are advised, however, to go slowly when disposing of belongings.  It may seem to you, also, that not seeing or having anything around to remind you of your dead child will somehow make your pain less.  Later, though, when your grief has softened, you may find you need that special something, but by then it’s too late.  On the other hand, you may try to keep everything, and it may take many months and several acts of sorting through the belongings at intervals before you’re able to decide on just the special things you want to keep as mementoes.  As time goes by, you will be able to let go of the less important things without it ripping you to pieces.  Not everything will forever have the same value for you.  You may change in how you feel and find that it comforts instead of hurts to see your subsequent child wearing some of the baby’s clothes, or that catching a glimpse of an old familiar shirt on one of your teenagers brings a warm feeling.  Whether you’ve made changes or haven’t been able to make changes, it’s okay.  There’s no rule about when you do it, so don’t let well-meaning friends or relatives make you feel guilty because your needs don’t meet their timetables.  What we would like to suggest to you is, though there are no rules about when you do it, that you do have as a goal eventually making the changes’ otherwise, the room and things become a shrine, and if you have surviving children, or a spouse, they may find it very difficult to live in this atmosphere forever more.  If they could be honest with you, many would tell you they don’t want their dead sibling closed up in his or her room, as though their dying was something for which they’re being punished; instead, bring the record player and records into the den, or use the backpack and tent, or whatever, because it comforts them to feel that their sibling has once again become a part of the family and not relegated to “the room.”  I don’t think I know of anyone who hasn’t kept some belongings of their dead child, so that must be normal.  What we learn after the death is that life is tenuous at best, and rather than hanging on to unchanged rooms, try to value the important people who are left in this life, be they family or friends, and savor them, along with the memories of your dead child.  For when all is said and done, those memories are truly the important part of what you have left of your child.  That’s a truth that doesn’t need changing.  Mary Cleckley TCF Atlanta