Miscarriage, Stillbirth
and
Newborn Death
A Silent Birth
From the moment of conception a wanted pregnancy is a happy time. But when you are faced with the trauma of your baby’s death, then everything changes. Feelings of elations turn to grief. Instead of being a time of planning and hope, it is a time of confusion and despair. These difficult moments will be a part of you forever. You will be making memories that affirm the significance your baby has had in your life. Also, your grief will heal better and faster if you can face your baby’s death squarely rather than avoid or postpone your response to it, or pretend your baby didn’t exist. Though nothing will take your pain away immediately, it is hoped that these suggestions will help you find a meaningful way to commemorate your baby’s life, manage your grief and minimize any later regrets
.The Delivery
If your baby has died in utero or before birth, then delivery can seem like a cruel punishment. You will be in a state of shock and will need time to fully understand what is happening. If the diagnosis has been made prior to being admitted to the hospital, and labour has not begun, it can be very helpful for you to take some time to plan for delivery, gather support and prepare yourself.
For the most part, the same principles you may have learned in childbirth class will apply for this delivery too, as do your rights as a pregnant patient. Although the principles are the same, this time it has a different level of significance.Supportive People
A hospital staff person with special knowledge of perinatal bereavement, who could offer you direction, guidance and understanding throughout your labor and delivery, inform you about hospital policy and your choices, is very helpful. You may also want to have grandparents, other family members, a close friend, or a member from The Compassionate Friends to be with you. This may be their only chance to see, to say goodbye to your baby and share in your grief. Or, you may decide that you want as much privacy as possible. It is important to choose those you want around you. You should feel free to let the staff and your family and friends know your needs.
Medication
At first you may feel that you would like to be heavily medicated or put to sleep during delivery. However, by using limited medication and participating as fully in the birth as originally planned facilitates grief. After delivery, it is advisable to avoid heavy sedatives……..they dull your awareness of this significant time, delay grieving and hamper emotional healing.
Hospital Room
Depending on hospital policy and availability, you may be able to choose to return to the obstetrical ward or request a private room. The nurses on these wards are often the best at supporting your loss and grief. Since they know the joy a new baby can bring, they feel as deeply the sadness and loss when a baby dies.
Creating Memories
Hospitals often have a ‘Keepsake Program’. Photos of your baby are taken both clothed and undressed and being held by someone. If you don’t want the pictures at first, request that they be placed in your medical record so that you may ask for them at a later time. The Program may also provide you with little mementos such as a specially designed outfit, often a tiny smocked nightgown and cap; a little brush and comb; a Keepsake Album or hospital certificate with your baby’s feet and hand prints, along with a record of length and weight; wrist band; or any other item related to your baby. You may have a special blanket that you want to keep with your baby or save; a little gift, a note or drawing from a sibling, parents or grandparents to be given to or to go with the baby.
Parents who have experienced miscarriage or early infant death may have few or if any at all of these mementos and are offered a Miscarriage Package (available at some hospitals) containing information relating to their loss. Others have found creating a Memory Box or a Baby Journal helps with the grieving process; provides comfort in acknowledging that your baby will always be in your heart.
Naming Your Baby
Your baby is a person and deserves a name. You may want to use the name you planned or select another that is significant to this baby. Naming allows you to refer more easily to your baby in later conversations and helps others to understand that this baby was a real person.
Feeling the Loss
Grieving is the emotional response. Mourning is the way we deal with these emotions. When a baby dies, normal symptoms of grief are varied. Parental reactions and intensity of feelings may differ. Typical reactions include the following:
Shock and numbness—feelings of disbelief and a sense that this can’t be happening.
Crying, loneliness, a feeling of isolation.
Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, depression.
Anger, guilt, blame.
Loss of appetite, overeating, sleeplessness, irritability.
Inability to concentrate, comprehend or remember.
Loss of goals and aims in life, a sense of desolation about the future.
Aching arms, phantom crying, frequent sighing.
Shadow grief—feelings of sadness re-kindled around significant days or events.
Grieving is hard work that takes time and drains energy. Be aware that your reactions are normal, with many ups and downs. Grieving takes far longer than society recognizes. Grant yourself the freedom to allow this complex process to occur.
Organ Donation
In some situations, if your baby was born alive it may be possible to donate certain organs. It can give you comfort to know that your baby has helped another child to live, and that a vital part of your baby lives on in another. Ask your caregiver if this is an appropriate option.
A Time of Healing
Books ~
on perinatal loss can offer you knowledge, guidance and support. They give you a greater understanding of your grief, how the death of a baby affects your life and ways to cope.Support Groups ~
for couples who have lost a baby in pregnancy or after birth provide a valuable means of understanding, sharing and resolving painful feelings.Counselling ~
can help you if you become stuck in the grief process or can find little joy in life.Subsequent Pregnancy ~
Allow yourself sufficient time to heal both physically and emotionally before attempting another pregnancy.Anticipation of Difficult Times ~
Anniversaries of your baby’s birth and death dates, holidays and due dates can be difficult times. Letting others know what you are feeling, and finding a meaningful way to commemorate your baby will help
you heal.
“
Each life is indeed a gift to be held in our hearts forever.”
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Yes, it was early. I’d only known you for a few weeks; But life - NO. I didn’t feel kicking inside me for that other person. I felt it leaping inside my own spirit! Life - a new Life; God working wonders within me! It was awesome. We waited so long. We had such hopes and dreams Of kicks and getting fat and wearing maternity clothes. Expectations of joy and love and happy moments together. But it was all over too soon, much to soon...and they all said, “It was only a miscarriage, you can have others. You can try again, You weren’t that far; It’s not as if you lost a baby.” Well, what did I lose then? I lost the potential of the full becoming of a person. I lost the spirit of a child, and adolescent, an adult. My child. What became of it? Is it washed away forever, never to count? Does God count it? Should I count it? Or should I listen to them? It was only a miscarriage, early at that. Pull myself together. Somehow it was precious to me. No matter what they said. Annoymous
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It was only a miscarriage.” That’s what they all said. “Why are you so depressed and upset? “There will be other.... besides it was an early one, at that.” “It’s not as if you felt life.” It was only a miscarriage.... pull yourself together.
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Stillbirth,
Miscarriage and
Infant Death:
The following information is for parents who have experienced a stillbirth, miscarriage or the death of an infant. These guidelines have been gathered from the experiences of other bereaved parents and from the studies and writings of professionals in grief counseling.
Normal grieving, with many ups and downs lasts far longer than society in general recognizes. Too often people do not recognize the grief parents endure after the death of an infant. Others will grieve for you while you grieve for your baby.
The fact that someone else may have known their child longer should not diminish your own sense of loss. Your grief is your own.
Crying is an acceptable and healthy expression of grief for both mothers and fathers which releases built-up tension: cry freely as you feel the need.
Consider whatever you do to be normal for you , don’t be afraid of unusual feelings (such as phantom crying and aching arms)—this is part of normal grief. Your body will seem unkind to you. You will have the same discomfort common to all new mothers who have just given birth, i.e., breast tenderness, mood swings, etc.
Whenever possible put off major decisions (changing residence, changing job, etc.) for a least a year.
Because the bonding between mother and child begins long before birth the mother may have more intense feelings for a longer time; mourn with her and be supportive.
Others may be uncomfortable with your grief. They may think the less said the better. Let them know what you need.
Try to become involved with a group of parents having similar experiences. Be patient with yourself.
The holidays and anniversaries of a baby’s birth and death can be stressful times for parents—allow yourself some emotional space and special time for grieving.
When considering another pregnancy, give yourself sufficient time to mourn and to recover your physical and emotional strength.
When you do have another pregnancy, choose new names; each child is unique and does not deserve to be a replacement.
Bereaved Families and Their Families Can Find Healing and Hope For The Future.
DEATH OF A DREAM
My baby is gone, and no-one understands my sorrow. They said: “You were only seven weeks pregnant.”
understand my anger at my own body, for rejecting my baby and destroying my dream.They didn’t know I had already named the baby....Rachel for a girl, Joshua for a boy. They didn’t know my twelve year old son had already promised to take care of that baby every day, and was considering even changing diapers. They didn’t know my nine year old had been asking for a brother or sister for six years. They just didn’t know all my hopes and dreams for this baby.
They said: “Don’t worry....you’ll get pregnant again.” They didn’t know it had taken six years to conceive this child. They didn’t know this was a very special baby, conceived under a Christmas tree, with the man I love. This was a baby I wanted...not just any baby. I don’t know if I will ever have the courage to try again.
They said: “You are young. Only thirty-two. You have many years yet to have a child. They didn’t know my mother started menopause at thirty-six. Or that two of my anuts had hysterectomies for cancer, one at twenty-four and the other at thirty-six. Or that my cousin is at stage two with cervical cancer. Even now the clock is running out on me.
They said: “Miscarriages happen...nothing to worry about.” They didn’t know this was my fifth miscarriage, one a set of twins. They didn’t know how losing my baby pulls my emotions inside out and leaves me feeling raw and tender. They didn’t understand my fear that I will never have another baby.
They said that I was silly to cry. They didn’t understand my grief. It was not a lump of flesh, it was my baby. They didn’t understand the joy I felt, or the loss, or the emptiness I feel. They said: “These things happen for a reason. The baby probably hadn’t formed properly.” They said I should be grateful.
They can’t understand the anger I feel....towards women trying desperately to rid themselves of unwanted babies, and towards the happy women awaiting the birth of their babies. They didn’t understand my anger at my own body, for rejecting my baby and awaiting the birth of their babies. They didn’t understand my anger at my own body, for rejecting my baby and
They said: “You already have two healthy children, consider yourself lucky.”
I am fortunate. Many women will never be able to have a child of their own. But it doesn’t lessen my sorrow. My baby is gone and I am sad. Why won’t they let me grieve?
Linda Young
The Compleat Mother / Spring 1987
NEVER TO BE FORGOTTEN
They say you died at birth...
How wrong they are!
For nine months
Wrapped in love’s cocoon,
You seemed already one of us...
How we laughed and dreamed.
When you came that snowy night
And gently closed your eyes
Against all cruelty,
Your tiny hands forged
Tighter family ties.
Your special warmth,
A blessed radiance.
Lovingly lifted from TCF Regina, SK Newsletter
