Family & Friends

How To Help  -  When A Child Dies

A Child Has Died……

The Death of a Child, no matter the age or circumstance, is one of the most devastating experiences that a parent can go through. Friends and families are at a loss of what to do or say. What does a bereaved parent need from those around them? What are the best things you could do? What are the worst? What am I going to say? The Following suggestions may help you ease their pain.

How Can I Help?

Acknowledge the Loss A visit, a call and a simple, “I’m sorry” are the magic words that say, “I love you and I care.” There are no ’Right’ or ‘Wrong’ words. If you are lost for words, a simple hug can speak volumes. Saying nothing is the worst thing that you can do, for bereaved parents then feel as though their child’s existence is being denied. Grieving parents need to know that you are there for them, that you care about what they are going through. You cannot take away their pain, or ‘fix it’, but you can bring comfort and support by ‘being there.’

Listen The best gift you can give a grieving parent is your listening ear. Let them express their feelings—the questions, the disbelief, the anger, the pain and even the guilt they may be experiencing. Gently ask, “Could you tell me about it?” Ask, but don’t pry. Parents often find the need to talk about their child and the series of events surrounding that death over and over again.

Be Patient Be responsive to the changes a grieving person experiences. Some will verbalize, others may withdraw, unable or unwilling to talk and others may lash out in anger. Don’t make the bereaved the ‘office project’ to cheer up. Some depression is an expected and a necessary part of the journey. Be patient. Grief lasts far longer than anyone assumes!

Be Available to help with responsibilities. Even though a life has stopped, life doesn’t. One of the best ways to help is to run errands, prepare food, take care of the kids, chores and help with the simplest of maintenance. Be aware of what needs to be done and offer to do specific tasks. Don’t say, ”Call me if there is anything I can do.” At this stage, the person who is grieving will be overwhelmed at the simple thought of picking up a phone. If you are close to this person, simply stop over and begin to help. People need this but don’t think to ask.

Avoid Judgment “You should…..,.” “You shouldn’t…….” are not appropriate or helpful. Decisions and behaviors related to: displaying or removing photographs; giving away the child’s belongings; building a ‘shrine’; reliving the death; idealizing the child, expressing anger, depression or guilt may seem extreme. These behavior patterns are normal, particularly in the first years following the death of a child.

Tears are healing Don’t be afraid to cry.  Your tears are a tribute to both child and parents. Yes, the parents may cry with you, but their tears can be a healthy release.

Self-Care is difficult when besieged by the taxing emotions of grief. Help keep their house stocked with healthy foods that are already prepared, or easy-to-prepare. Give them time to rest. While it may be upsetting to see them withdrawing from people and activities—it is normal. They will rejoin as they are ready.

Be Sensitive to the changes a bereaved family experiences for they will adopt new behaviors and roles as they learn to live without the child. This is a painful and lengthy process. Give special attention to the surviving children. They are hurt, confused and often ignored. …..talk to them!

Remember the child’s birthday and the anniversary of the child’s death with a card, a call or a visit. Do not be afraid that mentioning the name of the dead child will cause additional pain. Sharing a fond memory or amusing anecdote brings reassurance to parents that you appreciated their child and are aware of their sense of loss. Don’t be afraid of laughter as it helps to heal the hurt.

Clichés are said with the intent of making the parent or family members feel better…...to find something positive in the loss. When we care about someone, we hate to see them in pain. To try to minimize their hurt people we’ll often say things like, “I know how you feel……” “It was God’s will…...” “Perhaps it was for the best” or “you can always have another child.” While this can work in some instances, it never works with grief. Don’t try to make sense of the death or find a reason. ...the bereaved must search for their own meanings.

Decision Making is very difficult while working through the grief process. Be a sounding board for your friend or loved one and help them think through decisions.

Grief Isolation can be relieved for short periods of times with an invitation to dinner, a movie, a walk in the park or ‘take over’ meal to their home. If your invitation is declined, don’t give up!. Consider inviting the parent out on important dates like the one-month anniversary….be creative.

Stay In Touch. Grief does not end at the funeral or on the first anniversary. After a death, many friendships change or disintegrate. People don’t know how to relate to the one who is grieving, or they get tired of being around someone who is sad. Make a commitment to see your friend through this, to be an anchor in their darkest hour.

Time does not heal all wounds. Everyone grieves differently and therefore the grief process should not be rushed. Some parents will be “fine” and then experience deep grief a year or two later; others grieve immediately. There are no standard timetables for recovery. Encourage bereaved families to be patient with themselves. “Get on with your life.” “Aren’t you over it yet?” “It’s time to put it behind you and move on.” Those demands are unfair and unrealistic. When parents express concern about being tired, depressed, angry, tearful, unable to concentrate or unwilling to get back into life’s routines, reassure them that grief work takes time—that they may be expecting too much of themselves too soon and that these symptoms may continue to be there long after you think that they should be ‘over it.’

Closure is a ‘useless’ word when applied to the death of a child. There will never be the kind of closure that ends this pain. The child will live on in our memories and our hearts forever. We will make sure of that.

“LOSS HURTS! WE ALL GRIEVE ALONE, BUT WE DO NOT HAVE TO BE ALONE AS WE GRIEVE. Help us remember our loved one. There is no such thing as ‘closure’ when it comes to love. The only thing that closes at a funeral is the casket! You don’t stop loving someone just because they died. Talk about the deceased, share your memories and let me share mine.”

Quote by Darcie D. Sims

If you don’t know what to say—

then say that!

 “I don’t know what to say,

I’m very sorry.”

 That helps more than you know.

We don’t know what to say either.

 Hold me when I cry

Cry with me

Mentions my child’s name

Share memories with me

Tell me you care about me

Tell me you miss my child too

Just be with me

 By Susan Diotte, TCF Contact / Arnprior, Ontario

Suggestions for Friends and Family of the Grieving Survivor  

  1.  Get in touch.  Telephone.  Speak either to the mourner or to someone close and ask when you can visit and how you might help.  Even if much time has passed, it's never too late to express concern.  

  2.  Say little on an early visit.  In the initial period (before burial), your brief embrace, your press of the hand, your few words of affection and feeling may be all that is needed.  

  3.  Avoid cliches and easy answers.  "He had a good life," "He is out of pain," and "Aren't you lucky that...," are not likely to help.  A simple "I'm" sorry" is better. Likewise, spiritual sayings can even provoke anger unless the mourner shares the faith that is implied.  In general, do not attempt to minimize the loss.  

  4.  Be yourself.   Show your own natural concern and sorrow in your own way and in your own words.   

  5.  Keep in touch.  Be available.  Be there.  If  you are a close friend or relative, your presence might be needed from the beginning.  Later, when close family may be less available, anyone's visit and phone call can be very helpful.  

  6.  Attend to practical matters.   Discover if you might be needed to answer the phone, usher in callers, prepare meals, clean the house, care for the children, etc.  This kind of help lifts burdens and creates a bond.  It might be needed well beyond the initial period, especially for the widowed.  

  7.  Encourage others to visit or help.  Usually one visit will overcome a friend's discomfort and allow him or her to contribute further support.  You might even be able to schedule  some visitors, so that everyone does not come at once in the beginning or fails to come at all later on.  

  8.  Accept silence.  If the mourner doesn't feel like talking, don't force conversation.  Silence is better than aimless chatter.  The mourner should be allowed to lead.  

  9.  Be a good listener.   When suffering spills over in words, you can do the one thing the bereaved needs above all else at that time - you can listen.  Is he emotional?  Accept that.  Does he cry?  Accept that too.  Is he angry at God?  God will manage without your defending him.  Accept whatever feelings are expressed.  Do not rebuke.  Do not change the subject.  Be as understanding as you can be.  

  10.  Do not attempt to tell the bereaved how he feels.   You can ask (without probing), but you cannot know, except as he tells you.  Everyone, bereaved or not, resents an attempt to describe his feelings.  To say, for example, "You must feel relieved now that he is out of pain," is presumptuous.  Even to say, "I know just how you feel," is questionable.  Learn from the mourner; do not instruct him.  

  11.   Do not probe for details about the death.  If the survivor offers information, listen with understanding.  

  12.  Comfort children in the family.  Do not assume that a seemingly calm child is not sorrowing.  If you can, be a friend to whom feelings can be confided and with whom tears can be shed.  In most cases, incidentally, children should be left in the home and not shielded from the grieving of others.  

  13. Avoid talking to others about trivia in the presence of the recently bereaved.  Prolonged discussion of sports, weather, or stock market, for example, is resented, even if done purposely to distract the mourner.  

  14.  Allow the "working through of grief".  Do not whisk away clothing or hide pictures.  Do not criticize seemingly morbid behavior.  Young people may repeatedly visit the site of the fatal accident.  A widow may sleep with her husband's pajamas as a pillow.  A young child may wear his dead sibling's clothing.  

  15.  Write a letter.   A sympathy card is a poor substitute for your own expression.  If you take time to write of your love for and memories of the one who died, your letter might be read many times and cherished, possibly into the next generation.  

  16.  Encourage the postponement of major decisions until after the period of intense grief.   Whatever can wait should wait.  

  17.  In time, gently draw the mourner into quiet, outside activity. He may not have the initiative to go out on his own.  

  18.  When the mourner returns to social activity, treat him as a normal person.  Avoid pity - it destroys self respect.  Simple understanding is enough.  Acknowledge the loss, the change in his life, but don't dwell on it.  

  19.  Be aware of needed progress through grief.    If the mourner seems unable to resolve anger or guilt, for example, you might suggest a consultation with a clergyman or other trained counselor.  

 A final thought.  Helping must be more than following a few rules.  Especially if the bereavement is devastating and you are close to the bereaved, you may have to give more time, more care, more of yourself than you imagined.  And you will have to perceive the special needs  of your friend and creatively attempt to meet those needs.  Such commitment and effort may even save a life.  At the least, you will know the satisfaction of being truly and deeply helpful.  

From the folder " Is There Anything I can Do to Help?  by Amy Hillyard Jensen Copyright 1985, Medic Publishing Co., P.O. Box 89 Redmond, WA 98073.  Reprinted with permission.  

DON'T THEY KNOW?

“It's a good way to die.”
Don't they know there is no good way for a child to die? Can't they understand there's nothing good about his being snatched away from our life?

“Remember, everything is God's will.”
Don't they know I can't understand how God could cause me such despair? Don't they understand that I can't accept this as God's will?

“All things work together for good for those who love God.”
Don't they know I'm not sure I can love a God who robbed me of my child? Can't they understand I'm very angry at God, who treated me so unfairly?

“Your child is better off. Hess gone to Heaven, where he will have eternal peace.”
Don't they know I can't be relieved to know Hess in Heaven when I ache so to have him back? Can't they understand that his death is an injustice, not a godsend?

“Count your blessings.”
Don't they know that in this state of mind I can't in my wildest dreams consider all this pain, this anger, this emptiness, this frustration a blessing?

“If you look around you, you'll find someone worse off than you are.”
Don't they know right now I can't imagine anyone worse off than I am?

“Think of all your precious memories.”
Don't they know how much it hurts to live with nothing more than memories? Can't they understand that because our love was so great, the pain is more intense?

“Keep your chin up.”
Don't they know how hard it is to do that when I really want to cry, to wail, and to scream at the injustice that has been dealt me?

“You must put it all behind you and get on with your life.”
Don't they know we don't hurt by choice when our children die? I haven't met a bereaved parent yet who wasn't really weary of hurting.

“Time will heal.”
Don't they know how time is dragging for me now, that every minute seems like an hour and every hour like a day? Can't they understand how frightening it is to face the rest of my life without my child?

“If there's anything I can do, let me know.”
Don't they know they shouldn't wait for me to “let them know?” Can't they understand that my mind is so numb I can't even think of what needs to be done?

Don't they know? Of course these wonderful, concerned, well-meaning friends don't know. They can only guess how I feel. They haven't personally known (thank God) the disbelief, the shock, the anger, the depression that has filled my heart and soul since my child died. They don't know that the words I need to hear are, “I know you must be hurting terribly. You had such a good life together, the pain must be awful. You need to express your anger, your frustration. I know it must be hard for you to believe that God is a loving God who will support you through this horrible tragedy.” They can't know words aren't necessary, that just being there, holding my hand, crying with me, or listening to me would be much more comforting than words they feel they must say.

-By Anita Gordon, TCF Colorado Springs, CO, in memory of her son, Marcus Grant Garrett, 3/23/1990—4/21/2001
 

You Have My Sympathy. . . Do's and Don'ts for Writing a Condolence Letter
By Linda Plunkett and Eva Fitzgerald
Isle of Palms and Mount Pleasant, South Carolina

The authors are friends who have many common interests, among them community involvement. Perhaps their strongest bond, though, is their shared sense of loss for their beloved daughters, fourteen-year-old Amanda, and fifteen-year-old Alison, who died within five months of each other. We continue to help each other travel through our grief.

There are times in life when a handwritten note is the best way to offer sympathy, and though it may be difficult to compose, it will be cherished by the recipient.

We have received hundreds, maybe thousands, of notes, cards, and letters. We have heard from dear friends and strangers; we have received local and long distance letters, cards, pictures, drawings, poems, clippings, readings and books. The mail has brought us solace to sustain us during our raw grief, and it has been unobtrusive and undemanding.

During the worst part of our grief, the anticipation and arrival of the mail was often the only bright spot in the day. Reading the mail was a welcomed break during those bleak times when we could not socialize. On days when grief took all our energy, we could read a letter, which helped us feel less alone in our sorrow.

Mail not only helped soothe our souls, it connected us to other sensations as well. The very act of holding a stack of mail - physically touching the envelopes and their contents - was a comfort in itself.  In handling each note, we felt connected to the senders, and reading each message made us grateful that others were thinking of us and missing our loved ones too. Many times we were able to smile at the memories shared by the writers.

So treasured are many of these notes that we have saved them over many years to read again and again. As we compared our favorite notes, we noticed that those we value the most have some common elements.

Here we offer ideas that are both contemporary and timeless - not rules, but suggestions that are gleaned from the correspondence we found most comforting. We share our observations in hopes that they will be useful to others when writing condolence notes.

Write it. Sympathy notes need to be created the old-fashioned way - using plain, personal paper, pen (blue or black ink is still best),
and a stamped envelope. Unless the condolence letter is for a business acquaintance, a word processor and stamp machine should not be used (though using a computer for your rough drafts is a fine idea).  E-mail condolences (or, horrors, electronic sympathy cards) are always bad form. Written notes are permanent, portable, and available for reading over and over.

Use greeting cards as a last resort. Although the stores have an assortment of beautiful greeting cards, there are a limited number of sympathy cards, no matter how many stores you search. Keep in mind that when a printed card is sent, there is a good chance that the recipient may have received an identical one. Printed cards do not have the warmth of a handwritten note, and sympathy cards are generic. Handwritten notes are unique - they show that the writer cared enough to put personal thoughts on paper.
       Even when an appropriately worded card can be found, adding a few lines in your own handwriting makes the card personal and special. Here are a few examples that could be added to a printed card:

   • Words are so empty! I wish I knew how to fill them with love and send them to you.

   • I know how little the words of an outsider mean to you just now, but I must tell you how deeply I feel for you in your great loss.

Be brief.  Someone who is grieving has the attention span of a flea. Exhaustion, sadness, shock and numerous other emotions are overpowering. A long message is likely to be lost on the reader or put aside for later. A short, caring note can be remembered.

Be honest and avoid euphemisms.  Tiptoeing around the reason for the note will likely result in stilted phrases and awkward
sentences. "Passed on" or "passed over" can sound artificial. If a mention of death is uncomfortable for you, then it is better to omit it rather than to use odd-sounding abstractions and clichés. Sentences that are written in your own speaking style are best.
Sincerity is the key. When you are at a loss for words, just say so. Here is an honest way to relate your bewilderment: There are no words of comfort that I can find - all I can say is how sorry I am.

Mention the deceased. To say, I'm sorry for your loss is a good start, but the loss could apply to a job as well as a laved one.
Instead, try personalizing your thought like this: I'm sorry for you - and for all of us who knew him - that David is gone. The bereaved love the sweet sound of their loved one's name.  Incorporate an admired aspect of the deceased person's life, and your
note will be dear to the recipient. Grieving loved ones never tire of hearing that others appreciated the talents, charms or character of the ones mourned.

Share a happy memory.  If you can, include a memory or incident that conveys your admiration or reminds the reader of a joyful event. Your note will be a gift. Here's an example of a note written to a college friend at the death of her father:  I'll never forget your graduation party. Your dad was so proud of you! He couldn't stop beaming and smiling. I think I will always remember that happy day when I think of him.

Enclose a picture or keepsake.  When a loved one dies, the family wants to gather all traces of the life that has been lost. For
example, if you have an old photograph or letter, it will be prized by the family and they will love you for your kindness.
     Other thoughtful enclosures might be favorite poems or verses, bookmarks or prayer cards. We received several drawings from small children who expressed themselves in the only way they knew. Any special insert to your handwritten note makes your letter unique. (If you are not sure whether to include something, it is better to leave it out.)

Resist the temptation to offer advice.  Even though you, too, may have lost a loved one, you cannot really know how someone else suffers. All humans experience grief differently.  When you say, I know how you feel, you are minimizing the unique suffering of another.  It is far better to acknowledge the pain and not try to erase it or minimize it. It is more comforting to say, I hurt for you or my heart aches for you than to say, you will feel better with time.
     As presumptuous as assuming that you know how another person's grief feels, is the suggestion that you know how another's grief should be handled.  Avoid sentences that begin, You need to...  A bereaved person already feels isolated from the world of normalcy.  When you offer advice or plans of action, you are underscoring the fact that you are rational and the bereaved is not.  It is tempting to offer words of encouragement, but such suggestions don't convey that the grieving family needs understanding more than they need advice.

Unmentionables.  Recipients of condolence letters will overlook awkward syntax because they know that your intentions are genuine.  However, there are certain pitfalls to avoid because they may be painful to the recipient. A sympathy note is not the place to preach your own religious beliefs.  A grieving family is often faced with many spiritual questions to sort out. It is not unusual for those experiencing a bereavement to question their faith or feel guilty about not having enough faith.  Unless you are certain that a religious reference would be comforting, omit it.
     A note of condolence should not recount details or circumstances of the death.  Unfortunately, those details are already deeply etched in the minds of loved ones.  Families do not need to know that you can imagine how awful the end must have been.  Equally cruel are attempts to put a good spin on the death.  These sentences did not endear us to the writers:

   • It's good that she's gone and out of her misery.

   • God needed her more than you did.

     Much warmer were the notes that reminded us of the impact our loved ones had on other people.  Condolence letters should not be used to catch the reader up on the details of your life.  If you have not written or called in a while, save your news for another time.  The focus of your note should be the deceased and the grieving family. Imagine the dismay that the following tasteless words caused:

   • So sorry to hear of Amanda's death. I am just out of the hospital with blood clots in my leg, but I am happy to be alive.

Better late than never. The best time to write a condolence note is as soon as you hear about a family's loss.  However, there is no time limit for writing to the bereaved family.  If you have just learned about a death that took place a while ago (or if you have procrastinated expressing your sympathy), take the time to write anyway.  Since the majority of condolence letters are written promptly, late arrivals are highlighted in the family's memory. Sympathy notes that are received after the casseroles have stopped show that the deceased and the family are remembered.
     One sentence to avoid in a late note is one that includes the phrase, I've been meaning to... (write, call, visit - whatever you had intended to do).  It is offensive to a grieving family to imply that you have had better things to do than to acknowledge their loss.  Say instead, I have been thinking of you and your family so much and know you miss your daughter.
     The following notes are examples of some that we especially value:

   • Just recently did I learn of your great loss.  Beverly and I want you to know that we extend to you our heartfelt sympathy.  We trust that the memories of the many pleasures you and Amanda gave to each other will give you comfort.  Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers at this time.

   • I just learned about your precious child, and I weep for you in your loss.  She was a wonderful example to her peers and will be greatly missed by all whose lives she touched.  A wise woman once told me that no one ever really dies who is remembered with love.  Truly, your Amanda was beloved.  Please know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.  Joe joins me in sending you our deepest sympathy.

   • I wish I had words to comfort and sustain you in your grief but I know there are none that will take away any pain you are feeling now.  My heart aches for you and my arms long to embrace you.  Even my knees know your grief for I am on them constantly in prayer for you.  I wish I could do more.

   • Words of comfort, although they seem futile now in the midst of your sorrow, are all we have to give you. We are so inexpressibly sad at the news of Alison's death, we cannot imagine your pain.  Please accept our written words as hugs. We long to be physically near you so that we might try to lift some of the grief that now weighs you down.

     In summary, a condolence note in your own words is the best way to reach out to someone who is grieving. This compassionate chore can be simplified using a few basic guidelines.

1. A proper condolence is handwritten on plain paper with a pen.

2. Drafts o£ the note can be written with a word-processor before handwriting the final version.

3. A short note is preferable to a lengthy letter.

4. Writing in your own style of speaking will help make the note sincere.

5. Relate a happy memory that includes the deceased.

6. Don't preach or offer advice.

7. There is no time limit for writing a thoughtful note.

~reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc. - A Magazine of Hope and Helaing - Jan/Feb 2003 issue
www.bereavementmag.com