Couples

Grieving In Pairs  

How many times have people said, “Well thank God you have each other.”  How many times have you felt “each other” to be entirely inadequate at meeting your needs? 

Alarming statistics are available telling us of the rocky roads parents encounter in their marriage after the death of a child.  We sometimes see in ourselves a touchiness or quickness to become irritated that wasn’t there before.  It always seems that my “bad” day is my wife’s “Good” day, or the day she wakes up crying was the day I had planned on playing tennis.

Or sometimes, even more difficult, we both have a bad day and find no help from the other in pulling things back together.  How can one person hold up another when he himself is down in the mud? 

Each person grieves differently. This is a rule that even applies within a family.  And the needs of every individual are different.  While you may need to talk and talk, your spouse may need some time alone to reflect inwardly. 

You both have been through the worst experience of your life.  And while at times you can face recovery as a team, sometimes you must develop the patience to be able to wait out certain needs alone or with someone else.  Realize that no matter how it is shown, your partner hurts too. 

Jerry Hunt TCF/White River Junction Vermont

Some Ways to Help a Grieving Spouse

&        Assign top priority to your marriage relationship.

&       Cultivate transparency, openness, and honesty.

&       Accept the pain that you feel. Be willing to share it and to listen to your spouse’s expression of the pain he or she is feeling.

&       Be patient with your spouse and with yourself.  Recognize that your spouse is probably not at the same place in the grief process as you, and that is okay.

&       Don’t expect your spouse to be your only source of healing.

&       Keep working at communication.  Give special attention to your affection for each other.  Learn and practice gestures of love.  Remember to stay in touch physically; the importance of human touching and hugging is hard to overestimate.

&       Allow or create space in your relationship.  Everyone is entitled to a degree of privacy with their feelings, including their grief.

&       Allow yourselves to enjoy life and each other.  Be willing to laugh together, as well as to cry together.  Work at finding some fun things to do together.

&       Help each other to remember that life is more than this child who has died.  As important as this child is to you, and as much as you feel pain over his or her death, your marriage relationship involves far more than this child.   

Howard Cupp, Norman OK

HEALING TOGETHER:

  Helping Couples Cope with Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Early Infant Loss 

                                                              By Marcie K. Lister, ACSW and Sandra M. Lovell, RN, ACSW

Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Magazine – Oct. 1990 - 8133 Telegraph Drive, Colorado Springs, CO, 80920-7069  

For many couples, a miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant loss is the greatest loss they have ever

experienced together. Yet, husbands and wives often feel alone in their grief. Certainty there are marriages that have been strengthened by a shared loss, but more common is the marriage that suffers under the weight and stress of mourning.  

The Meaning of the Loss:  A major task for the pregnant woman is to accept the fetus as part of herself. The well-being of her baby becomes inter- twined with her own feeling of self-worth. If her baby dies (even very early in her pregnancy), her self-image and sense of competence may be shattered. 

Since a father does not experience any physical changes during pregnancy, the early months of his wife's pregnancy may not feel very real to him. As the pregnancy progresses, the reality of the baby becomes clearer to the father. Men tend not to experience an early miscarriage as an acutely personal loss, but they usually find a second trimester loss of stillbirth more painful because they have seen and felt physical evidence of their child.  

Grieving the Loss:  The most common source of conflict in a grieving marriage stems from differences in grieving styles. A wife may see her husband's quieter expressions of grief as an indication that he did not care about the baby. 

“It just doesn't seem to bother my husband as much as it does me. How can he carry on the way he does? He goes off to work and I stay home and cry all day.” 

A husband often encourages his wife to “keep busy,” and may react with frustration and concern at her frequent inability to do anything but sit, think and cry. He fears that this outpouring of grief means his wife is “falling apart” and he may be frightened by her difficulty in coping with everyday tasks. 

“She tells me to talk about how I feel. She tells me I should cry. But if I did let my feelings out, I'd only upset her more. Anyway, she's in no condition to console me.” 

Guilt:  Mothers experience far more guilt than fathers and often blame themselves for the death of their baby.   

“I was carrying our baby. It was my responsibility to take care of him. The doctors couldn't explain why our baby died. I keep thinking I did something wrong.” 

Blame:  Another source of marital conflict when one spouse overtly or silently blames the other for the death of their child. 

“I guess I did blame my wife for awhile. We never knew why our baby died, and I thought she should have taken better care of herself.” 

“We blamed ourselves. It was as if we were being punished for something. How could this happen for no reason?” 

Depression:  Mothers tend to feel the loss more acutely, and to be more chronically depressed, than fathers. Many women feel the need to talk about their baby and their grief. Men are often far less comfortable with the express- ion of feelings. They may feel the need to fix things, to do, to act. 

Social and cultural norms also affect grieving. A man who openly mourns the loss of a longed-for child may find little support for his grief. Friends and colleagues who may be quick to inquire about his wife rarely think to ask, “And how are you?” 

Escaping from Grief:  Grief often makes parents feel worn out and tarnished. Mourning can create a tremendous pull toward anything that feels new and unblemished. It is not unusual for a father or mother to turn to another relationship, perhaps even to begin an affair. Other escapes, such as alcohol or drug abuse, may seem to provide solace, but they only complicate healing. 

Subsequent Children:  Whether or when to have another child may become a source of conflict, as well. One spouse may want to try for another pregnancy much sooner than the other. Women tend to need and want more time to grieve, though they often have an initial urge to get pregnant again quickly. It is not unusual for one spouse to feel angry and fearful when the other talks about having another child. 

“Part of me wants another child now, but I get so angry and hurt when my husband talks about it.  

How can I just forget this baby and have another?  Didn't this matter to him?” 

Preparing to have another baby right away is a common way to deny the loss and attempt to avoid the grief for both mothers and fathers, but it is also clear that caring for and nurturing another child may be a significant factor in grief resolution. Pregnancy sets in motion both a psychological and biological need to nurture. That a mother yearns to care for a child is entirely appropriate, but both parents must grieve their lost child before they can allow themselves to feel an attachment to another child. 

Suggestions for Couples:  

*Accept your spouse's limitations. You will both need support from many people. Your spouse may not always be the best one to lean on.

*Accept each other's different ways of grieving. How a person shows his grief does not necessarily reflect how he feels.

*Avoid blaming each other for past behaviors and/or comments, or accusing your spouse of loving your lost child less than you.

*Be patient with each other. Wives will probably need more time to grieve than husbands. It may be very painful for a husband to see his wife in such distress and he may feel helpless at times.

  Don't underestimate a husband's power to simply hug his wife and hold her.

*Don't be afraid to talk about your lost child.  Husbands tend to make fewer references to the baby, but knowing you also think about the baby is very comforting to your wife. Don't be afraid of her tears; they can be healing.

*A mother needs time to physically recuperate and regain her strength.  Don't hesitate to accept help from friends and family who ask if there is anything they can do. Ask them, for example, to pick up groceries or watch an older child.

*For at least a year, avoid making major decisions that will create upheaval and stress.  Moving or changing jobs can be a way of avoiding grief.

*If you wonder whether your spouse is grieving normally, don't hesitate to get a professional opinion.

  Counseling can be enormously helpful for any grieving couple.

*Take time for your marriage. Realize that it is okay to enjoy yourselves and each other. Having fun is not disloyal to your lost child.

*Delay immediate discussions about having another child. Give each other, and your marriage, time to heal.