Lifeline April * May * June 2003 www.compassionatefriends.ca         **      email ~ tcf@compassionatefriends.ca   Molly’s Tree  I planted a tree for Molly, For her precious baby soul. I planted a tree for Molly, And pray it will grow old.  To feel the warmth of winter sun, Soft tender earth in spring, To feel the sweetest rain for Molly, The golden fall that nature brings.  The love I feel inside for Molly, Soft, golden, warm and sweet, Grows like her baby Mountain Ash, And shades my grief with peace.   In memory of Molly Jane Ferguson February 15, 1987 - November 19, 1987    An except from  "Reflections of the Heart Writings by The Compassionate Friends" Found in our TCF SWMB library, and available for purchase from TCF Canada. email Secretary@TCFCanada.net for information   Prayer for spring   Like springtime, let me unfold And grow fresh and new From this cocoon of grief That has been spun around me.   Help me face the harsh reality of Sunshine and renewed life As my bones still creak from The winter of my grief.   Life has dared to go on around me. As I recover from the insult   Of Life’s continuance, I readjust my focus to Include recovery and growth As a possibility in my future.   Give me strength to break out of The cocoon of my grief. But may I never forget it as The place where I grew my wings, Becoming a new person Because of my loss.   Janice Heil, TCF Vancouver   As you journey through all the seasons of your grieving, you will discover what countless others have discovered before you: That you have changed.  You will never be the same person you once were. You will have lost, but in addition to the losing—because of the losing– you will have gained. You will be yourself, and you will be more than yourself. Some people describe this process as transformation. Other call it resurrection. Whatever words you choose, the result is the same. Something new will have happened. Something original will have come to life. Something unexpected will have been born.   An except from Winter Grief, Summer Grace—Returning to Life After a Loved One Dies by James E. Miller This book can be found with many others in our TCF/SWMB library.         Every bereaved parents ultimate goal: To remember our loved one with less physical & emotional grief, and to actually celebrate their life.   Grieving In Pairs   How many times have people said, “Well thank God you have each other.”  How many times have you felt “each other” to be entirely inadequate at meeting your needs?   Alarming statistics are available telling us of the rocky roads parents encounter in their marriage after the death of a child.  We sometimes see in ourselves a touchiness or quickness to become irritated that wasn’t there before.  It always seems that my “bad” day is my wife’s “Good” day, or the day she wakes up crying was the day I had planned on playing tennis. Or sometimes, even more difficult, we both have a bad day and find no help from the other in pulling things back together.  How can one person hold up another when he himself is down in the mud?   Each person grieves differently. This is a rule that even applies within a family.  And the needs of every individual are different.  While you may need to talk and talk, your spouse may need some time alone to reflect inwardly.   You both have been through the worst experience of your life.  And while at times you can face recovery as a team, sometimes you must develop the patience to be able to wait out certain needs alone or with someone else.  Realize that no matter how it is shown, your partner hurts too.   Jerry Hunt TCF/White River Junction Vermont       Some Ways to Help a Grieving Spouse   &        Assign top priority to your marriage relationship. &       Cultivate transparency, openness, and honesty. &       Accept the pain that you feel. Be willing to share it and to listen to your spouse’s expression of the pain he or she is feeling. &       Be patient with your spouse and with yourself.  Recognize that your spouse is probably not at the same place in the grief process as you, and that is okay. &       Don’t expect your spouse to be your only source of healing. &       Keep working at communication.  Give special attention to your affection for each other.  Learn and practice gestures of love.  Remember to stay in touch physically; the importance of human touching and hugging is hard to overestimate. &       Allow or create space in your relationship.  Everyone is entitled to a degree of privacy with their feelings, including their grief. &       Allow yourselves to enjoy life and each other.  Be willing to laugh together, as well as to cry together.  Work at finding some fun things to do together. &       Help each other to remember that life is more than this child who has died.  As important as this child is to you, and as much as you feel pain over his or her death, your marriage relationship involves far more than this child.    Howard Cupp, Norman OK       We are each of us angels with only one wing and can only fly embracing each other.     As the date of the Northern Lights conference draws nearer, I have talked to many about attending… I see those who have attended other conferences eagerly looking forward to May, and enthusiastic when telling others their experiences… but I also see... newly bereaved who are nervous about what to expect…  professionals unacquainted with the concept of a TCF conference versus a clinical workshop… So I thought I would gather these reactions for you… Give you a glimpse of what to expect, and hope for… Cindy, Lifeline Editor   Sandra Wallace, after attending  a couple TCF conferences wrote: These conferences taught me that:             it’s OK to grieve for my son It’s OK to remember the happy times, the sad times It’s OK to realize I have changed, I am not and can not be the person I used to be. It’s OK to say good-bye to the life I once had and that doesn’t mean that I say good-bye to my child.  He is apart of my life as long as I breath. It’s OK to choose to live again, not just survive. Would I recommend you try a conference?  Yes, certainly, definitely, emphatically, indisputably, undeniably, unquestionably, YES! What is the value of attending a TCF National Conference?  Is it worth the time the energy, the expense?  The first conference we attended, we were newly bereaved.  Feeling angry and bitter, I was reluctant to attend for fear of hearing a sales pitch from an author.  My experience, however was just the opposite.  The speaker... reached my soul.  Joe Auclair TCF Cleveland OH The workshops and sharing sessions addressed issues and feelings I had experienced and wondered about.  … I found other parents who shared my feelings.  … I found other parents who were doing something positive about their grief.    I learned about coping… There was so much kindness and understanding.   After a few more years, and a couple more conferences, my final impression was one of awe—awe of the volunteers who share their time and energy, enthusiasm, concern, compassion, and dedication with The Compassionate Friends. To answer my question.. Are they worth it?  The answer is simple… YES!  What I have learned at these conferences about myself, about grief and about life has helped make my life worth living again.    Pam Walmsley, TCF/Winnipeg Advisory Board Member St Paul Minnesota ‘89 As an advisory Board Member I hoped to gain some insight as to why or how Conferences could be such a positive experience for bereaved parents.  The Conference proved not only to be a wonderful experience for bereaved parents, but also to anyone who cares about his fellow man.  The excellent workshops provide an insight on the complexities of grief and recovery; as well as acknowledging professional involvement.  The speakers were comprised of caring and knowledgeable professionals and other bereaved parents whose attitudes towards grief is healthy and positive.    All caring professionals would surely gain a great insight into parental and sibling grief from the outstanding experience of a TCF Conference  … Attending, and being part of such a conference, is a “Family of man” you are yet to discover.  Jody Burns, TCF Haleiwa HI The conference did not change my outlook but rather expanded it and my relationship with my son, Ronnie.  Through the workshops, sharing sessions and most importantly the instant, deep and close bonds with other parents.  Nadine Onodera, TCF Honolulu Attending the TCF conference has been the best thing I’ve done for myself since my 24 yr old son was murdered.  Just to be with so many others who knew what my family and I had been through was, in itself healing. Emily Vaughan TCF Niagra.  Florida July ‘89 The balloon lift off in memory of all our children was very moving.  … people gathered outside holding hands and hugging each other with tears falling while the balloons lifted up into the sky… What an experience!    North Carolina, ‘92 It was a fantastic conference, a very unique emotional experience, much enthusiasm brought back with us—we feel rejuvenated and ready to take on another year!   Adaline Leir, TCF Regina SK Philadelphia July ‘90 Tears came, so did the memories.  Beautiful memories.  HOPE. … An experience to remember , always.       We have received many requests for the conference program /session schedule.  As with any undertaking of this size, the session schedule will not be finalized until closer to the date of the conference.  Please use the agenda listed here to help you determine your arrival and departure needs. Thank you!       The Conference at a Glance…. Thursday, May 22   9:00 am - 11:30 pm TCF Canada Board Meeting  1:00 pm - 4:00 pm Professional & Chapter Leader Workshops 4:30 pm -10:30 pm Hospitality Room Opens 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm OPENING CEREMONIES 8:30 pm - 10:00 pm Sharing Circles Friday, May 23   7:30 am   -    8:30 am Continental Breakfast 7:30 am - 9:00 am Registration  8:45 am -  10:15 am Workshop Series  10:15 am -  10:30 am Break 10:30 am -  12:00 Workshop Series  12:00 pm —   1:15 pm            Country Luncheon  1:15 pm -    2:45 pm Workshop Series   2:45 pm  - 3:00 pm                          Break  3:00 pm - 4:30 pm Workshop Series   5:00 pm — 6:00 pm Author’s Hour  6:30 pm —  8:00 pm Buffet Banquet & Keynote Address  8:30 pm — 10:00 pm Sharing Circles Saturday, May 24    7:30 am - 8:30 am Continental Breakfast  8:30 am –10:00 am Workshop Series  10:00 am - 10:15 am Break 10:30 am - 12:00 Workshop Series  12:00      - 1:30 pm Lunch  1:30 pm  - 3:00 pm Workshop Series   3:00 pm  - 4:00 pm Shuttle Service to Memorial Garden  4:00 pm  - 5:00 pm Memorial Service & Balloon Release  6:00 pm -  7:00 pm Cocktail Hour  7:00 pm  - 9:00 pm Gala Dinner   Sunday May 25   7:30 am - 8:30 am Breakfast 8:45 am - 9:30 am Church Service Denominational 9:30 am - 11:00 am         Closing Ceremonies Please … We suggest that all attendees bring comfortable casual clothing, as the conference days are long and the sessions intense.  We can all dress up a bit for the Gala Dinner Saturday night as we wind down.  We remind you to bring a picture of your Star Child to place on our Mural of Memories.  There will also be a place for you to have a button made with your child’s picture, so bring an extra if you would like to be able to do this.  If you have any questions or concerns prior to the conference, please contact us @ 204-727-1823 or tcf@compassionatefriends.ca       Random Observations  Father’s Day is fast approaching… bringing with it promises of happiness and tears.  Memories drift in and out, in no particular order...of ringette games, slumber parties, rock music and boyfriends.  I embrace each one for a moment, then carefully tuck it away once again.  How “male” our house has become since Kim died… Sometimes I don’t feel like much of a father anymore.  I lose my temper more quickly these days, doubt my ability to make correct decisions and I tend to get lost in my thoughts more often… much to the chagrin of my son. Being a parent has never been an easy job...being a single parent trying to raise a teenage son while desperately trying to recover from my daughter’s suicide is something else again! Sometimes I think, “Who would blame me if I gave up?”  We all know how easy it would be to grab a bottle and sink into the gutter or to end our own life!  Who would blame me...no one!  No one...except Kim. For, as easy as it is to lie down and feel sorry for myself, I can’t do that anymore because I know that’s not what I should be doing...and if Kim were here, she’d be the first one to tell me so.  She’d also get after me to take better care of myself, stick to my diet and start getting out more. So why is it so difficult?  Why do we, as bereaved parents, find it so hard to get “back into the swing of things?”  Is it really so difficult to laugh and have fun again? I believe that each of us holds the key to answering those questions deep in our hearts.  I believe that before real healing can take place in our lives that we must learn to give ourselves permission to get better.  Allow yourself to be human, to make mistakes and to not always be the “best that you can”.  Surely we did not expect perfection from our children who died...so shy do we expect it from ourselves? Remember when your child did something that made you mad...even furious?  Did you hold it against them forever?  Certainly not!  You did what any other normal parent would do —you struggled through your feelings and found a way in your heart to forgive them.. So, just for a moment, become your own parent...and forgive yourself! I am convinced that by doing this, not only have I made my life (somewhat) more worth living and can see now that the light at the end of the tunnel is not the oncoming train that I thought it was...but also believe that I have made Kim proud of me, too! ...and that’s a good feeling to have once again! Give it a try, you’ve got nothing to lose!   By Steve Channning TCF/Winnipeg  Steve’s daughter, Kim, completed suicide at the age of 13, February 23, 1987     A Mile of Pennies   I found a penny today, Just laying on the ground. But it’s not just a penny, This little coin I’ve found. Found pennies come from heaven, That’s what my Grandpa told me. He said Angels toss them down, Oh, how I love that story.   He said when your Angel misses you, They toss a penny down. Sometimes just to cheer you up, To make a smile out of your frown.   So, don’t pass by that penny, When your feeling blue. It may be a penny from heaven, That your Angel’s tossed to you.   Submitted to the Lake & Porter Chapter By Linda Kellstrom   A Rose For Krista - Because a Mother’s Love Doesn’t Die   By Carol Kifer   It’s Mother Day and you’re not here.  Forgive me when I shed a tear.   Days like this are extra tough; I didn’t get to hold you enough.   Krista was my first born.  She gave me the gift of motherhood.  I still remember the day she was born.  As I looked into her innocent blue eyes, observing in awe each of her perfect little features, I dreamed of the future we’d surely share.  The emotional high I experienced when I held her little hand for the first time is a feeling that cannot be explained, but if you are a mother, you know how great it was.  We shared a host of “firsts” over the next fifteen years.   I recorded for posterity in her baby book her first words, her first foods, the first time she sat up, her first steps.  She was the first to call me “Mom”.   As she entered high school, we shared the excitement of her first home-coming dance, her first prom, her Christian growth as she made her confirmation vows.  I remember the anticipation of that first date, the heartbreak of her first break-up, the joy of her first “love”.   She was becoming a young woman and we were forced to “let go” and allow her to make many of her own decisions regarding the direction of her life.  Sometimes we didn’t agree with her choices.  Sometimes we were surprised by her maturity.  Krista will not be with us this Mother’s Day.  She died instantly in a car accident at the age of fifteen.  She went out to a basketball game with her friends, and never came home.  I still can’t believe she’s never coming home again.   The teenage years are difficult for parents and children.  Krista wasn’t the perfect child.  We weren’t perfect parents.  We all made mistakes, but we learned from them.  The one thing there was never any mistake about was our love for each other.  I remember telling her often that no matter what happened in her life, I would always love her, that nothing would ever change that.  Even her death has not changed my love for her, only the ways in which I can express it.   This year I must feel the sadness.  On Mother's Day, I will visit my daughter’s grave and take her a rose, because a mother’s love doesn’t die.  It will be a red rose to symbolize the love we share—or maybe a pink one because it was her favorite color.  A rosebud will not do; instead it must be a magnificent wide-open rose, in full bloom, at the optimum stage of its beauty.  In a couple days the rose will wither and die, but it will be wide open and beautiful on that one day.  I will place the rose on Krista’s grave and the tears from my eyes will water it abundantly, as I remember the strawberry-haired girl I cannot hold. Our precious Krista was a rose in my garden of life, and her death remains a thorn in my heart.  Her body has withered and died, and we are left with bitter-sweet memories of the special times we shared during her blooming time here on earth.  It was far better to have held for awhile than to never have known the joy of being a mother.   When someone gives me a bouquet of roses, I appreciate their beauty until they wither.  But even when they are finally discarded, I remember with love and fondness the joy they brought and the one who gave them to me.  In the same way, I remember Krista, and I thank God for bringing this special person into my life for a little while.  “You are still my daughter, Krista.  I am still your ‘mom’.  I love you always”. My first Mother’s Day without Krista I was so overcome with grief that I could not do anything with my living child, Jeff, my precious red-haired son.  This year will be different.  I will make a special effort to do something fun with Jeff.  He, too, is a rose in my life.   Many mothers will feel the emptiness of missing children this Mother's Day.  Some children no longer have a mother here to hold them.  I realize now that we must seize the opportunities to create memories with all our loved ones.  Each unique person in our circle of love in an imperfect rose in bloom.  We must give them all the hugs, all the smiles, all the love we can, today, because roses don’t last forever.   Bereavement Magazine May/June 1997          [ Home ] [ Up ]