LifeLine July * August  2002   Beach Havens As the tide of grief goes down, New beaches are revealed. Their sand, it’s true, Is wet, And barnacles protrude. But wear your rubber shoes (hot pink would be preferred). Step dainty on the shore: A storm-thrown log Will give you rest. Now sit and sun yourself, And dream of those you love. An exceprt from “Holding On-Poems for Alex” By Cathy Sosnowsky, TCF North Shore, North Vancouver BC.   The Surviving Children Being a parent is never easy. When one’s child dies, it is even more difficult being parents to the children who survive. In those first day and weeks, shock may cause us to make decisions (or allow others to make them) that we will later regret. We may wish later that we had included the children more, that we had not permitted ourselves to be isolated from them, that we had explained things differently. Most of us expect never to face this situation, so we have never thought through in advance what the best course would be. At some point in our grief, we do become more sensitive to these “forgotten grievers” who have lost a brother or sister. They are having struggles of their own. The first thing to remember is that everything going on with our other children is not caused by death. They are still, through it all, growing up, going through the various developmental stages that have always concerned parents. Any special problems they had before will not have magically disappeared. Just as we proclaim repeatedly that there is no one way for a parent to grieve, so each child has his own style and timetable for everything, and we cannot control these. We can only try to understand and help when we can. We cannot make it ‘go away” any more than we can make any of the other harsh realities of life go away. The very foundation of their life has been shaken. The home, so sheltering and safe, has been invaded by forces our surviving children do not understand and parents, who seem all-powerful and all-wise, may have been reduced to quavering, uncertain robots. Probably for the first time, death – whatever that is – has claimed someone who is not old. Worse, if there has been the usual quota of sibling rivalry and squabbling, the child may be afraid that he has caused the death by being “bad”, or by wishing there was no such bothersome person to have to share with or “take a back seat to.” Just as every child is different, every relationship is different. Feelings toward an older brother or sister who was protector, teacher, idol, and those toward a younger one who may have been a sometime responsibility, hanger-on, biggest-fan, are not the same. They may have been best friends, or rivals who did not get along very well. Their responses to the death will be as varied as our own. A child’s place in the family system is changed. The second oldest finds himself suddenly the big brother. The buffer between others may be gone. Most difficult of all, a child may have become an “only child.” Any child younger than the one who has died has to go through the scary years of being the same age. Similar symptoms and situations are so frightening. Brothers and sisters often do look and behave very much alike, and these resemblances can be a source of discomfort or of pride. There may be efforts to exaggerate these, to replace the missing child, to make things the way they used to be. What can we as parents to do help? Most of all, our children need reassurance and honesty. They need to know that they are loved and that the family and the home will continue. They need all the facts they can understand. Part of this honesty requires that they know of your grief. By your actions, you can teach them that it is okay to cry, (even fathers!), it is okay to admit that you are angry at “life” for being this way, that you too are confused about “why.” Maintaining a “stiff upper lip” in front of the children only encourages them to suppress their feelings. Try to be available when they want to talk, but be prepared for the possibility that they may not want to talk with you about their feelings. Many children hold back because they are afraid they might make you cry. You can try explaining that you are not worried about that, but they may still prefer to talk to someone else. They may be ashamed of some common reactions such as feelings of anger, guilt, and jealousy, even relief. Perhaps you can help them find someone they can talk to comfortably. They may have already found such a person without you realizing it. Be honest in the way you remember the child who has died. It is tempting to reminisce about only the good and wonderful qualities, but was this really a saint? Surely not. Recall, and talk about it, the not-so-good-and-wonderful things too. Be sure you are remembering a real child, for everyone’s sake. A saint is hard to live up to. Talking with other parents at a meeting of TCF can give you practical suggestions about things that have worked for other families. You will hear ideas and you may decide to consult someone too. When you recognize your family in what others are saying, you may decide that you and your children are really doing pretty well – hurting and healing together – and that it just takes longer than you thought it would. Ronnie Peterson/TCF Star Lake, NY   Like The Butterfly It fluttered above my head Weightless in the soft breeze. I reached up my hand It lit on my finger.   Waving glistening wings gently, It looked at me for timeless moments. I smiled, reaching deep and Finding all those cherished memories.   As it flitted off through the sunlit morn, I knew we had said hello once more. Leslie Langford, sibling TCF/North Platte, NE     Pam Burden TCF/Augusta, GA                 Tears do not flow from the pitiful and the weak.  They spring also from the love and tenderness of the strong. We should never be ashamed of our tears, whether in private sorrow or public grieving.  Tears alleviate our grief and encourage the healing of our wounds. Macagdoches, TCF   To Hold and To Have   I catch the moment Like a butterfly Between my careful hands. This encounter is so precious I would never wish To crush its wings. I release the moment This tiny time Now I know, Is mine For all my life   Alma C. Reith   GRIEVING IN PAIRS How many times have people said, "Well, thank God you have each other." How many times have you felt "each other" to be entirely inadequate at meeting your needs? Alarming statistics are available telling us of the rocky road parents encounter in their marriage after the death of a child. We sometimes see in ourselves a touchiness or quickness to become irritated that wasn't there before. It always seems that my "bad" day is my wife's "good' day, or the day she wakes up crying was the day I had planned on playing tennis. Or sometimes, even more difficult, we both have a bad day and find no help from the other in pulling things back together. How can one person hold up another when he is himself facedown in the mud? Every person grieves differently. This is a rule that even applies within a family. And the needs of every individual are different. While you may need to talk and talk and talk, your spouse may need some time alone to reflect inwardly. You have both been through the worst experience of your life. And while at times you can face recovery as a team, sometimes you must develop the patience to be able to wait out certain needs alone or with someone else. Realize that no matter how it is shown, your partner hurts, too. Gerry Hunt TCF White River Junction, VT   By my helping I will be helped If I accept your anger then my anger is accepted. By my caring I am cared for When I listen I will be listened to And all these things mean On the lonely road of grief I will not be alone My recovery will be a little gentler And my child will not be forgotten Because the memory of him can be shared With you who understand how I feel - My special Compassionate Friends.   Shirley Egan TCF/New South Wales, Australia               From: Lessons From a Child’s Death IT WILL NOT MAKE YOU KINDER, MORE LOVING OR ALTRUISTIC. You will not compete with Sister Teresa or Billy Graham. But it may make you more sensitive to the needs of others in similar situation. A compassionate hospital chaplain helped my husband at our son’s death. A minister himself, my husband later became a hospital chaplain. His first-hand experience with death makes him especially effective with patients and families. IT WILL NOT MAKE YOU LESS FEARFUL ABOUT THE HEALTH AND WELL-BEING OF YOUR OTHER CHILDREN. In fact, just the opposite may occur. You may want to wrap your remaining children in cotton batting and place them on a shelf our of harm's way. But your appreciation of their unique personalities and the quality of your relationships may be sharpened. With his brown eyes and dimples, our middle child is an endearing reminder of Steven. However we know our charming Andrew is very much his own person. Observing and participating in the normal development of our children is heightened because Steven’s life and death were not normal. IT WILL NOT MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND LIFE AND YOUR PLACE IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS. The answer to life’s questions will not be revealed to you through your grief. In fact, you may have more questions than you've ever had. But it may make you search your own personal philosophy and discover what you really believe. For some, this process hurts too much. Introspection, therapy and religious scrutiny are painful, but parents who make the soul pilgrimage discover inexplicable comfort. Poets and philosophers from Menander to Wordsworth tell us the good die young. Parents take scant comfort in these adages and understand that the primary tragedy of a child's death is that it is not in the natural order of things. While our human, orderly nature demand an explanation for the inexplicable, we struggle to learn whatever lessons we can from an untimely bereavement. By Sharon E. Barnes Bereavement Magazine March/April 1989 Death from a Grandparent's Point of View The death of a child is the most tragic thing that can happen to anyone. It affects so many lives; family and friends; and even strangers. I lost my grandchild through death, and only a grandparent can understand the love a grandparent has for a grandchild and the loss that is felt when the child dies. For a grandparent, it is a double loss. Not only is your grandchild gone, but you also watch your child die each day. The smile that was always on her face is no longer there. The hurt is so deep and the questions so many. You feel helpless as a parent. You can't kiss away the hurt as you did when he was a child for you don't understand the many feelings you are experiencing yourself. Each day you hope and pray for a little something to say or do that will be of comfort to them. It seems that there is no end to the suffering. As times goes slowly by, the healing process begins. In time, a ray of hope will show on her face and a smile will make his eyes light up again. Your child will turn to you for what comfort that you can give. There will always be a part of you that is gone, but in time you can learn to live with the part that is still there. -Ruth Eaton TCF, Savannah GA   Grief and Your Health I’ll Be with You When the summer sun caresses you with its warmth, Think of me and I’ll be with you. When the gentle breeze softly blows through your hair, Think of me and I’ll be with you. When you stand alone and try to count the stars, Think of me and I’ll be with you. And when you’re lonely and need someone near, Think of me and I’ll be with you. For every moment of every day in your thoughts and In your heart, I’ll be with you. Linda LaBelle Rowley   Through an open window I look for you, I listen for your laughter. And I turn to shed a tear.   Through an open portal, I know you will not come. I miss you and I cry, Knowing you are gone.   My daughter, now a memory So precious and so dear. I miss you, and love you And forever feel you near.   Pat Brayshaw TCF/Prince Albert, SK     Keeping a Journal A Helpful Exercise in Times of Stress As a child, you may have kept a diary. If you were a young girl, it may have been covered in pink leather and clasped shut with less than a reliable lock. Unrequited loves, parents who just didn’t understand, fears, fantasies and failures were all meticulously recorded. In retrospect, that diary may have been more helpful than you realized. For families who have experienced loss, maintaining a journal can be a helpful tool in going through a healthy grief process. Keeping a journal is somewhat different from the diary in that a journal looks at your “internal environment, rather than your external one.” For those who keep journals, recording thoughts and feelings can be an important part of the healing process. The important aspect of the journal is to record. Realize how you respond in various situations. How did you respond to that feeling? What did you learn from that experience:? Will you react in a similar manner the next time? While recording your feelings is important, it is more important to record how you deal with various experiences and emotions internally. A journal can be helpful to you in the following ways: It can provide a means of venting your feelings It may help you identify and respond to that which is causing you stress or anxiety. It may provide insight into your behavior patterns. Is this a typical response? Would you like to change this pattern of behavior? It can preserve memories too precious to be lost. It can illustrate movement through the grieving process. Here are some suggestions for those who would like to begin a journal: Make sure all entries are dated. (this way you can go back and reflect on your comments.) The journal is for your use alone. No one should read it unless you give permission. Don’t worry about writing in complete sentences or being neat. A word, even a drawing may be sufficient. Write what you want to say, not what you think you should say. Let your ideas flow freely. Ever so often, review past entries. If you wish to jot notes or thoughts about what you said, do this is a different color ink and date your comments. Try to use your journal on a regular basis. You should use the journal at least once a week. Daily is preferable. Do what is comfortable for you. Treat the journal and yourself with respect. Grief Education Institute Lovingly lifted from Atlanta Chapter 1990